Let’s face it. WASPs have a taste for the macabre, and they adore satire, so Bret Easton Ellis’ literary style is right up their alley. Ellis writes about the privileged, the decadent, and the jaded, his favorite era being the raging Reagan ’80s and his favorite character being a financier-slash-Harvard-grad-slash-serial-killer, Patrick Bateman.
What do WASPs love about the drug-filled debauchery of American Psycho and Less Than Zero? What do they find intriguing about the depressing hedonism of the small New England liberal arts college depicted in The Rules of Attraction? Well, in every WASPy family there is a black sheep, or two, though hopefully there aren’t any prostitute-killing investment bankers.
Though Bret Easton Ellis’ books read like pop fiction, they are also well regarded in the literary community, which is just another reason WASPs read on with pleasure…
- Haley Hogan
[Photo courtesy of IndexMagazine]
WASPs refer to their rugs as “Orientals,” because most of their rugs are handmade and of vaguely Asian origin. I say “vaguely,” because Orientals can come from anywhere from China, to Turkey, to Iran, to Tibet.
WASPs gravitate toward the international and historical identities of these rugs, and as with most things in a WASP’s life, the older the rug the better. As it becomes worn and threadbare, it only increases in appeal. The eclectic palettes of these rugs make them a welcome addition to almost any room or color scheme, appealing to a WASP’s penchant for possessing heirlooms that can be loved for many generations.
Though a tasteful Oriental rug is hard to find (and pricy), when the right one comes along, a WASP is eager to make the investment. While WASPs should really start referring to their rugs as something far more politically correct than “Orientals,” it is hard for them to let go of this term. Many older WASPs still refer to Asian people as “Oriental,” which is a whole other blog post entirely (“Stuff WASPs Like: Racism”).
- Haley Hogan
[Photo courtesy Frederick]
WASPs are fond of emphasizing their language via hyperbole and exaggeration. Perhaps they take the poetry and literature of their prep school days to heart and decide that using exaggeration can create tremendous flair in everyday speech.
In my high school senior English class my teacher asked a girl to define “denouement” (or some other common literary term). When she stammered to respond, he gasped in disbelief, “You’re going to Harvard and you don’t even know what a denouement is?” Then he concluded with fabulous hyperbolic relish, “I’m going to hang myself from a lighting fixture.” That is by far the best example of WASPy hyperbole in the history of time.
But to prove how hyperbolic my last sentence was, I have another quote from a WASPy woman I know. She and her close friend were strolling through Boston on an idyllic spring day, “We were practically having orgasms walking up Beacon Street looking at the front gardens.” WASPs get very hyperbolic about plants.
This linguistic technique allows WASPs to establish the extreme accuracy and utter supremacy of their opinions (both positive and negative). There is not a single person on the planet better suited to evaluating the intelligence, incompetence, beauty, or homeliness of a person, place, or thing than a true WASP.
- Haley Hogan
[Photo courtesy of HarvardGazette]
Broadway musicals possess a certain corny allure that appeals to WASPs. My parents used to take us to New York City once a year for my father’s annual squash tournament at the Yale Club. During our trip we would always do two things without fail (both of which are very WASPy): visit the Central Park Zoo and/or Museum of Natural History, and see a Broadway musical.
Some years the shows were too tranny/1970s for my parents’ taste (AKA Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Cats), but other times the musicals struck just the right mixture of grandeur and old-school romance (AKA The Music Man, The King and I).
WASPs love to introduce their children to the finer things in life, and while most children can’t sit through the symphony or the opera, musicals are the perfect feel-good activity for the whole family.
This weekend I returned to the Yale Club for my dad’s annual seniors’ squash tournament, and my friend from prep school was there to cheer her dad on too. After the matches were over, she and her family went to see Mary Poppins on Broadway. She and her older sister had bought the tickets as a Christmas present to their mother. My dad was jealous. The tradition of WASPs bonding over synchronized dance moves, period costumes, heart-wrenching solos, and historically inaccurate settings, will continue into eternity.
- Haley Hogan
[Photo courtesy of Destination-Store]
The Rhodes Scholarship is the most prestigious international graduate scholarship around. The involvement of the Rhodes and the Rothschild families contributes to its cachet. Even though most of the students who are awarded Rhodes Scholarships already have plenty of family money, it is the single most important resume builder in existence. Translation: it makes the most elite, intelligent, and well bred look appear to be even more so.
Possessing a fancy CV is certainly a coveted WASPy trait, but a scholarship like the Rhodes (or Fulbright, or Marshall, etc.) is more of a lifelong conversation piece than a means to getting a good job. “Back at Oxford, when I was doing The Rhodes…” becomes the default phrase for adding legitimacy to any dinner party discussion. In keeping with fundamental WASPy values, the Rhodes Scholarship is not only based on literary and scholastic accomplishment but also on success in sports.
The lesser Fulbright Program does not lead straight to the Oxford campus but to the far reaches of the world, as students seize opportunities to teach or to study esoteric subjects, such as the “history of medieval psaltery music in France,” or the “performance of gender in Tibetan monks living in Nepal.” WASPs relish both academic prestige and time abroad, so a Fulbright is a rational next step after college.
Then there is the Marshall scholarship, which in some ways is the WASPiest of them all, since it instills British ideals into future American leaders by funding studies in the United Kingdom. All of these scholarships jive with the WASPy desire to receive as many academic accolades as possible to ensure a future career as a diplomat or politician.
- Haley Hogan
[Photo courtesy of PasadenaSun]
Hoarding is known as a Middle American compulsion but it is also common among WASPs, though any WASP would refer to it as “preserving the past.” The stereotypical hoarder is a paranoid elderly woman who wears a house dress all day and lives in a ranch house. She hoards extreme amounts of broken knickknacks, decrepit stuffed animals, office supplies, soda cans, empty cigarette packs, etc.
However, WASPs tend to be more discerning about what they hoard, focusing on antiques, expensive gardening equipment, porcelain plates, lamps, vintage Williams-Sonoma kitchenware, old draperies, fireplace accoutrements, sailing and sporting goods, and lots of books. One middle-aged WASPy couple I know has taken it to the next level and are hoarding a collection of every New York Times and Wall Street Journal from the last twenty years.
In an attempt to keep things in the family, WASPs will save absurd amounts of relatively useless (though oftentimes valuable) stuff. They try to conceal this sickness by shoving it all in their basements or barns. It begins with good intentions of keeping things in the family and preserving sentimental heirlooms, and it ends with their children filling up dumpsters and paying local auction houses to get rid of it all.
At the end of the day, WASPs are still Puritans who want to be conservative instead of wasteful.
- Haley Hogan
[Photo courtesy of JEMWaterCraft]
The British royal family is one of the only social groups more obsessed with ritual than WASPs. The Episcopal Church is just an offshoot of the Church of England, so they are kindred religious spirits. But more importantly, WASPs take after the Pagan ritual of the royal family. Think about it: between royal weddings, funerals, the lavish parliamentary ceremonies, knighthood, and all the vestments and accoutrements made of velvet that go along with these events, the royal family are the originators of pomp and circumstance.
WASPs just love a good velveteen graduation ceremony or a classic Episcopalian wedding. Some of them even like cotillion. Talk about social rigmarole.
Just like the royal family, WASPs love Christmas traditions, silly pranks, gag gifts, the outdoors, Barbour jackets, spaniels, horses, inbreeding, preserving the bloodline, and dowdy dressing. WASPs loved Princess Diana gossip and now they make an exception for their overall no-tabloid rule for Kate Middleton.
But beyond all these details, just like WASPs, the royal family is very, very horsey.
- Haley Hogan
[Photo courtesy of Babble]
School pride is big with WASPs, and school sweatshirts are a perfect way to show that off through a medium that is casual. While class rings are flashy and overpriced, sweatshirts are reasonable and improve with age as they become faded, frayed, and vintage-looking.
As a WASP it is important to maintain preppy gravitas at the gym or while engaging in athletics throughout the adult years, well beyond one’s prep school and college days.
A school sweatshirt says, “My education is eternal, and as a symbol of its everlasting honor, I will wear this garment until the day I die, and then I will give it to my son or daughter, who will continue the legacy by not only wearing the sweatshirt but also by attending the prestigious institution from which I hail.”
- Haley Hogan
[Photo courtesy of LovelyAtYourSide]
No WASPy holiday party is complete without a platter of shrimp and cocktail sauce. The sauce adds a festive splash of red in the center of the ring of cute shrimp tails.
Maybe WASPs love shrimp because they require multiple bowls (for the sauce, the shrimps, and the leftover tails), which adds to the fun of the hors d’oeuvres set-up. After all, WASPs love tableware.
Shrimp cocktail is delicious, old-fashioned, and slightly unappetizing, which means it’s a true WASPy classic.
- Haley Hogan
[Photo courtesy of BonAppetit]
WASPs love to decorate their Christmas dinner tables with elegant place settings, name cards, and Christmas crackers. This final element lends an air of silliness and game-playing to the meal, as each guest must pull apart their cracker either on their own or with a friend, so that the crackers lets out a bang and releases a small toy, along with a Christmas crown.
The colorful crown contained within the Christmas cracker is the most important part of the whole affair, because WASPs love to dress up in silly costumes. Crackers are the perfect gift-like table accessory to add bodily humor, jokes, and dorky colorful hats to any WASPy holiday.
- Haley Hogan
[Photo courtesy of MelissaCMorris]
